April 25th, 2008

(no subject)

So I'm being admitted into inpatient on monday...

those of you who have been inpatient, what types of things do they do there? give as much details as your willing to please!

i know this particular hospital is extremely small and only take a very small group of inpatients at a time so idk im just really weirded out by the whole thought of living in a hospital for...who knows how long?


does anyone else here have parents who are driving them crazy,
mine are constantly giving he threats about admitting me into hospital unless i eat
they just don't understand
why is everyone so so so clueless??

ps this insomnia is killing me, it's 1:00am in Australia, does anyone else have this problem?

(no subject)

i wish i was one of those really really skinny girls who eat whatever they want when they want and dont put on a pound
all of my friends are like that but im the only one who has to starve themselves
it makes me so jealous and upset of them and their perfect bodies with their junk food and normal amounts of exercise

(no subject)

it's four o'clock in the morning, here's an update on some random things :P
1. In an hour, my boyfriend will wake up and I will text him good morning <3
2. I've decided that I want to go to see Mindless Self Indulgence on May 8th
3. I'm going to try to do as good as i did today, tmrw - well i guess it's today now.

(no subject)

The Height you entered is 5 feet, 6 inches. The Weight you entered is 120 pounds.
Your Calculated BMI is: 19.4

below 18.5 is "underweight", i need to lose 10lbs to get there it says. God i love this thing.


I was doing so well, until last night..
I'm not going to even mention what i binged on..

I was so upset , I almost cried my self to sleep.
Its so annoying, I just want all food to disappear from my life.
its so hard when people pressure you .
god damn,..
And i am going to be working tonight then I am going to be going to a party..
So basically Im fucking screwed.
God I just want to cry and get sick or something. SO I have a easier way not to eat..

This might be  really awkward///weird but :
I had a dream that my friend lived in this h uge huge huge house.
and in every bath room there was a scale and I would go on every scale and measure my self..
and it would always say 117. ( my goal weight) and I would get upset because  know that its like 15lbs off.

so basicallly, I am going to go on my soup fast on saturday..
then sunday I always get lunch with my old friend but i am going to try to skip out on it.
Do homework and go to sleep SUPER early.

these are just words,much easier than done.
  • Current Music
    Tilly and the wall-rainbows in the dark

(no subject)

yesterday i bped. i ALWAYS find it so hard when we have people over and dinner parties and such (we had one last night) but really the whole day for me was pretty shitty. i always feel like things are spiraling out of control when that happens - like its gonna happen the next day and the next..

Luckily today i can't eat very much at all, if anything. i can feel it. i felt it as soon as i woke up.
My stomach is empty and growling - which i love/hate, but i know the discomfort will pass if I ignore it for long enough.
  • Current Music
    the shins - a comet appears


Good Morning Guys and Girls!!

Ok so i've decided that as it is my birthday today, i've decided to try to be positive, today at least, and focus on the good things in my life.  A big part of that is all of you wonderful people who I know will always support me and give me a lift when I need one. I've only been on here a few days, and already I've met perople I can really open up to and be myself with-phew!!

Thank you all!! Stay strong-I hope you all have good days.

Lots of love and huge hugs,xxxxx

  • Current Music
    Dolly Parton (yes it is cool actually!!)


wasn't so good. :|

But i'm not gonna dwell on that.

Today is gonna be good.

I don't have a chance to binge.

Except i've been invited to a party tonight,

Which means alch alch alch alch and more.

Butttt i'm not sure if i'm going.

Mainly because it means cals cals cals cals cals.

& they are just not needed!

Stay strong everyone!


(no subject)

sometimes i feel like such a FAILURE. bped last night. i don't know what i was thinking. i stayed under 800 cal (which was a high allowance anyway because i knew i'd be around a friend that would force me to eat her cookies. luckily they tasted really bad and i only ate half!) all the way up until i went home. my stepmom made me go to the grocery store to get ice cream! it was horrible. of course, i bought myself celery and other low cal stuff because i really need to restrict when i'm alone this whole weekend. but when i got home she made me this disgusting reese's cup/chocolate ice cream thing. i only ate like 1/4 but still. so bad. luckily ice cream is really easy to purge, but i know i still had so many calories from it.

im sick

atleast my mum actually let me off school today, she never usually does
i think the reason is she feels sorry for me because she knows that people are bullying me 
she wants to phone up the school but doesn't she realise that will make things much worse?
she made me have some weetabix before she went out so that was probably im guessing 300/400 calories =S
not having anything else today though,
just watching thinspo & exersizing
think thin everybody;
  • Current Music
    fiona apple - paper bag

(no subject)

 my ex and i have been hanging out and chatting heaps lately...i dated him like 3 years ago...and since then ive been through a bit of depression and have been through anorexia and bulimia....i want him to know becuase i know he think im some sort of happy person 24/7 and would also want him to know just so he doesnt stuff me around..and that he knows ive got feelings and that im not a bimbo or something! also my problems as started when we broke up and i felt like crap...but he seems to have changed for the better like more grown up and i know i have for sure...like become more confident and stuff which he noticed...

do you think he should know...like should i get a good friend to just tell him quietly? say something like...i think you should know blah blah blah...?

(no subject)

Gosh, i haven't posted so long.
i doubt that some of you guys remember me...

anyway, i was doing pretty good except the WHOLE last week.
i feel like i've gained 12lbs, on the other hand i just hope that i cannot gain so much weight in week.

i wanted to ask you guys if you also feel like working out nulks you up, because i really workes out alot and my body got harder, but i nit skinnier, which is what i want to be.

thanks ans have a good day!!!

(no subject)

i lost 10 kilo's these last 6 months..

i'm 54 kilo's now, if i lose 4 kilo's (i can do that in a couple of weeks, at this speed), im actually underweight, bmi wise. im fuckin excited!!

my goal weight is 45, allthough im far from that, ive been so much further, and im quite happy. but i think ill move it to 50 for now, just because i think it will motivate me more!

im happy for the first time in a while

(no subject)

gahh you know the feeling, like.
getting crazily pregnant looking bloated from eating... pretty much anything?

i eat an apple, i get bloated. ANYTHING really, and the odd thing is, if i chew fast and sink it fast= bloated, if i chew and eat slowly, taking teeny tiny bites= bloated.
what is my problem?

scared out of my mind, going to the doctor soon (for checkup so that i can continue my p-pills)
ive been doing really well lately, and im fuckin scared she will find out..

because last time i was there, i was 'doing good' which means i ate 'normally' >_< i was so fat. and 10 kilos heavier

(no subject)

on monday, i was 130.
today, i am 127.

as much as i am so happy to be down 3 lbs, i am still so much bigger than i was a two months ago. it's gross.

i am feeling really motivated. even though i messed up monday and thursday and binged, i still lost some. today should be good.
inner child

(no subject)

How do you gain 2 pounds in one day when the only thing you ate was half a hamburger and you know that is gone?


I wish i didn't depend on the scale as much as I do. Esp when it is as Fickle as I am.


  Well, at least I lost the birthday parties weight I had gained. Now it is back to the grind stone. (or should i say grinding the stones off)

6 pounds to desired weight to be maintained and then we go from there even lower.

Side note of poz: I have gotten several compliments on my legs so I guess the tone up is working. too bad is isn't working on my tummy. and hips.
  • Current Music
    Get Up Kids

(no subject)

Hey ladies a gents
how is everyone ??
for the last week I was binging none stop and gained 10 lbs!!! i didnt even know that was possible. I weighed 110 i was so ashamed of myself. I felt like i threw all my hardwork and control out the window. But this week has been pretty good. the other day my bf took me up to the mtn near here and we went for a hike and did some rock climbing (and it was right in the morning before i ate anything) and i lost 5 lbs!! so now im down to 102 lbs. tempted to go eat something right now but I'm determined to get back to 100 AT LEAST. So I'm just going to stick to my water. I find the more water I drink, the more I lose the next morning. weird eh. anywayy I hope everyone is doing well<3 if anyone ever needs words of encouragement just remember this simply saying; (it has helped me) 'a moment on the lips, forever on the hips' I just repeat it to myself over n over and it helps me keep my control:P
ily all !!
have a steller day!! <3
  • Current Mood
    cheerful cheerful

i lost 7 lbs.

i was 122.
now i'm 115.
so thats the good news.
but I AM more DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF than i ever have been
because (yesterday) on the end of my 4th day of tea fasting my bf convinced me somehow that since i'd walked 5 miles, i needed to eat something!
BUT I DIDN'T NEED TO!! in the end, i GAVE IN and ate something really, really sugary and that lead to another thing and then another. i was crying and a complete mess. i went into the woods and purged everything. it was so gross. i feel horrible.

anyway, i honestly hope you are all having a much better day than i am.
pleeeaasse don't give in to anything today! STAY STRONG.

(no subject)

Well, i just got back from the hospital. for behavorial health. i was there for four days, and it sucked. im pretty sure that im being sent away someplace, an eating disorder treatment center.  in either ohio, wisconsin, tennessee, or there are some other places. im probably leaving next week.  im soooo scared. i want to get better, but then again i dont want to let go of my eating disorder. im sure alot of you can relate with me? my biggest fears are gaining weight, and losing my control.  im still at 93 lbs. i want to lose weight still, but i know i wont be able to now. :/

(no subject)

hi ya everyone its been so long since ive been, probably nobody remembers me, things were going well and managed to just bout get a grip on things only to start having panic attacks!!!!! and to top it all off my sister who was always fat is now really thin!!! i was always the thin one!!! so much pressure. have had to stop taking my ephedrine for a while though gonna start it again on the first of may, need to give my body a break from it!!!
hope everyone is ok its good to be back, and back in control xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • Current Music

freezing cold bath

hey guys,
just had a freezing cold bath , just cold water & i sat in it for about 20 minutes
once i got out i felt great and i weighed myself & i had lost a pound! =D
but i read on the internet its bad for you..
does anyone else take freezing cold baths?

  • Current Music
    MTV (:

I HATE VODKA....just a rant, sorry

I am having the hardest time with my friends right now.

I love them all, and  I don't want to isolate myself, but my habits are definitely changing. I used to LOVE going out every single night, which meant ingesting tons and tons of liquid calories, and often late night binges on all kinds of horrible shit.

But lately, I am soo exhausted and don't want to ruin a great day of restricting with drinking like 800 calories in alcohol, beer and mixers or chasers. So, last night, we went to Paper and I drank WAY too many calories. 

Then, for the first time LITERALLY since I started really restricting, I lost control and let myself eat a falafal when we got home. It had no sauce on it, just veg and falafal but still...I haven't done something like that in SO long. SO SO long. 

How do I compromise and go out and still have fun but not ruin a perfect day?

I am so disappointed in myself..I've never felt so far away from a goal before. I feel like I've ruined everything, and I don't b/p, so I got upset, went to bed, woke up and now I feel SO horrible, low, ugly, fat...

Where did my control go??? I hate this. and I hate that I have no motivation to do cardio. Or anything, for that matter. I hate this hate this hate this, and I'm totally plateauing, in terms of losing. I am going to be living near a beach and I need to do SO much work in the next 30 days. 
  • Current Mood
    distressed distressed


...maybe that is why i love Halloween so much!  lol!!! anyway, we are all skeletons underneath, anyhow...remember that, as we stuggle!!! hope you are all having a great day.  i am soooooooo on track, it isn't even funny!  i was watching Tracy Gold last night, on some lifetime show...and right away, i was thinspired again!   she used to be very anorexic...but i don't think so anymore!   please write to me....meg   ps...i feel like flying away.......
  • Current Music
    Rob Zombie "foxy foxy"

(no subject)

does anyone worry bout new love interests finding out, just started seeing a new guy who i adore,think he would totally judge me if he knew??? any thoughts
does anyone else find trimspa hard to swallow??
  • Current Mood
    anxious anxious

this is a little random.

im honestly like 95% computer illiterate and i dont know how to make words in colors, haha.
so i never want to write what i eat cause i dont wanna tempt anyone.
i know i'm so dumb and thats probally soooo obvious, but could anyone tell me how to do it?
thanks <3


I am on day three of my fast without breaking (yesss!) and my cravings have stopped as expected but in the last few days i've realized that my cravings are less about a specific food or flavor but more for a temperature- like sometimes i feel like i would kill for something hot to make my throat and stomach feel good or sometimes i like really ice cold things. The good part about realizing this is that now on my fast if i have cravings i just heat or cool water to the temperature i want.

I feel like a big nerd but its working for me. Does anyone else share the same lust for temperature?


Tyra has a 600 lb woman on her show. Check it out. Its about bigger ladies and their sexcapades...

For some reason I wish I could be as confident as these women. I think its awful that they let themselves get so big but you know, they seem happy....
kudos to that.

This is a bit of a rant- had to let it out somewhere though...

 Ok, so everything is ruined.

I'm so depressed at the moment. I havn't felt this bad since I tried to top myself last year. And I know that when I feel this bad it takes time, lots of time, before I feel anything near happy again.

I'm back around my highest ever weight and I feel so disgusting. I look horrible in anything so, if I ever do mange to go out anywhere, I look so hideous it's not worth it.

My older sister's boyf had just gone to prison and they've just had a baby. MyMum's a total bitch and has disowned us all for her new boyf. So me and my twin have been living with our sister to help out. I want to help her out and would feel bad not doing , but I just feel like shit. And I have to eat meals with them both (my sisters) so I've ballooned. Seriously I'm a cow. On top of that they keep making plans and going out with out even inviting me or asking what I'm up to. This is the third day in a row I've been left sitting at home alone. They also both keep making digs at me all the time, I'm like the outcast, me and my twin were inseperable until we moved in with our older sister. 

Yesterday I was here all day alone crying so much, I was literally acheing with sadness. It was wierd; normally I get angry or upset, but I was just so sad. I felt like I was grieving for the life I would have liked, but am never going to get. With a family where everyone likes eachother, and wants to spend time together. with enough money to pay the bills, and the excellent exams results I was meant to get, and proper meals that don't scare the life out of me.

I'm so bloody lonely. I've pushed the only real friends I had away, and all the others are just people to go to gigs or parties with so if I want to go out I don't have to go alone. I have nobody to talk to. Literally all I do everyday and night is smoke my face in until all I can see is my bong, and that's the only way I feel sort of OK, because then, when that's all I can think about, nothing else matters. 

I don't have any idea how to sort all the other crap out in my life, but I need to lose, and quickly. Starting today, I'm restricting to 600 cals a day. Wish me luck.

  • Current Music
    Chimaira - Left for Dead


omg i was going really well today untill mum said that i have to have lunch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! nooooooo shes making me eat chicken and that crap :'( whyy?!?!?!?! anyone got any ideas how to get out of it somehow argh this sux!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i have a random question i seem soo stupid asking but wat da hella re neg foods like wat do they do?
  • Current Music
    fallin by sarah mclachlan


So I think I'm kinda getting it back under control now.  It's only 12:50 and I'm done eating for the day because I had way too much.  My boyfriend's taking me out to dinner tonight to hear a reggae band before we go campaign, so I think I'll tell him my stomach's upset or something and then get a salad and pick at it.  It's Venezuelan food (which is my favorite) but I usually don't eat all day when I know we're going there, so...

Anyway, purging and diet pills have kept my weight stable despite the binging.  I'm off to exercise and hopefully burn about 1000 calories.  I need that.  Prom's in a week, and I have my whole life ahead of me in which I will NOT be fat.

Good luck, stay strong, and stay safe!

  • Current Mood


I was away for a few days.....depression, binging, it was horrible. I'm back though. I don't think I gained.....I hope to fucking god I didn't gain. Shit now I'm obsessing. Gr. I'm not going to eat today and tomorrow I'm going to have 200cals if I really need to......but I'm going to try and just fast until monday. I feel so gross. I need to get thinner. Ugh. I'm HUGE. I don't really have much else to say. I need to study my ass off today for my exam tomorrow morning.....it seems like exams are stretching out forever I just want this all to be over with. I don't even care what my marks are anymore. I just want out of here. I want to be gone......ugh. I almost took a bottle of anti-depressants and tequila yesterday. My mom was coming up and I thought that maybe if I fucked myself up a bit I'd just wake up in the hospital and everything would slow down and stop for a few minutes. I need everything to just stop for 5minutes so I can breathe. I didn't though.....I fell asleep (lasting effects of the the last sleeping pill I found at the bottom of my purse).

Blah. I want to be skinny and I'm going to get there. I am. 100%. Just fucking watch me. If it's the last thing I fucking do. It's what I crave and need so here I go 100% all of me. Everything I have. My whole entire being.....I'm giving up. I'm giving myself up.

Hooray for failure and may it bring me peace.
  • amaali

(no subject)

You were starving yourself in the name
Of anyone and anything
That you thought could lose the love you saved.

Quickly comes the wrecking ball
Tearing you like tired walls
Crumbling with all you had to give.

Builds you back as something new
With skin that don’t remember you
Paints you in an awful place to live.

When you start feeling
like a stranger to yourself
& missing who you were before you became someone else,
I’ll be sleeping with my soul in
Scared to death you’re waking up to nothing again.

In a blur your days confuse
The faces looking back at you
For angels that used to share your bed.

While things you never thought you’d do
& paths you never thought you’d choose
Are becoming all that you have left.

When you start feeling
like a stranger to yourself
& missing who you were before you became someone else,
I’ll be sleeping with my soul in
Scared to death you’re waking up to nothing again.


I still suck

I haven't been around much, consumed by depression, and I feel like a failure when I'm bingeing. It's been at least a week, I got on the scale yesterday and had an emotional breakdown when I realized I'm back up to 100. I suck, and I feel awful, and it's not okay.

So what's behind it all? I got a phone call from my parents telling me to pack up. I'm moving back to California, and I don't get to stay for the summer anymore, which really kills my summer plans. Then they decide they want me back in Orange County for a bit before heading up to LA, which sucks even more. I hate suburbs. Then I find out Jon wants to give the dogs away. I don't understand how someone's solution can always be just to buy a new one. How can you just give something away that you've raised and loved? These dogs have kept me going on the worst of night, but I guess i'll never understand why some people just don't care.

Spending my time intoxicated, because life is too depressing, which is probably the cause of most of this fatness, but you do what you gotta do.

Hope everyone is doing better xxx
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed


Seriously not this weekend. I am done eating today and it will be only minimal tomorrow. I'm going home with my boyfriend and I refuse to binge at his house again. I'm taking adderall tomorrow to make sure of that.


I'm not even hungry - I've just been eating shit allll day because it's there and I'm bored.

Thank god my parents are going away for like 2wks in may so I can focus on losing. My sister is 'watching' me (I'm 16..almost) and won't notice what I am or am not eating. My plan is to throw out most of the food mum leaves me after theyve left and reserve the money for going out on the weekends. And spend the rest on celery.

OH! And not ED related but. . .I think I might want to go blonde. After I've lost some weight, kind of you know, a whole change. I really want to know how I'd look first though. Any suggestions as to how to do that? I'm not exactly good with photoshop or anything so that's out. Maybe go to like a wig shop? But I doubt they would just let me try on a whole bunch of wigs to see what the best colour would be...


(no subject)

havent been on here in a while =/

wondering what your fav stomach exersizes are? i really really really need to tone, i already jog and such but my stomach still stays wobbely and disgusting :'(

any advice? other than sit-ups? they're not working too well, my stomach just stays the same


height: 5,4 /164 cm
weight: 112p / 51 kg

  • Current Mood
miss b lyric


i'm soo happy today =] i ate a shit load of food yesterday mainly because my parents were bugging me so much. well i figured that i had gained a bunch of weight, right? well it turns out because i was fasting and walking tons for the past two days, like since tuesday, plus i was walking tons on wednesday & thursday i lost some more =] i was originally about 108 lbs on the 12th and now i'm about 100 which for me is wonderful since my metabolism is shot lol


hw: 115
cw: 100
lw: 89

1st gw: 100 

2nd gw: 95
  • Current Music
    ashlee simpson- little miss obsessive

(no subject)

So, I  need to lose a ferocious amount of weight this month. As much as possible. I am huge. No lie. COE took over for about two months, and now I am huge. And I have to go fly out to Dallas in a month to not only spend a week with one of my best friends that hasn't seen me in years, but *meet* all of her friends at a convention. I'll be staying in a hotel room with eight people I don't know, and we'll be spending a day at a spa. As you can see, it's imperitive that I drop as much as I can.

I'm fasting today, and I'm toying with the idea of four reps of 0-2-4-6-8, but what do you think? I've never had such a time restraint, and I'm not sure what would be fastest. I NEED this weight gone. Any suggestions? I'd appreciate reccomendations on both diet and exercise regimes.
  • Current Music
    I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) :: The Proclaimers

stupid stupid

everyone in my performing arts class knows i diet but they dont exactly think anything of it..
yesterday *girl* went in to my bag and took my diet pills out, the rest of the day everyone was talking about it
today *girl 2* said yeah why not just go on the jess diet and everyone laughed, the rest of the day they have been going on about my diets how i loose weight and being anorexic. im sure they dont mean to upset me but i just wanted to walk out the class. instead i had to go along with it and act like it didnt bother me. otherwise they would know somehting is wrong.

i want to loose even more weight now to proove them wrong. stupid idiots

my 30 day diet didnt really work out.. i have been eating so little but everynow and then i nibble at food.

so my new diet :-
monday-college 9/5 (home at 6) skip breakfast and lunch and dinner. (dinner in bin)
tuesday-college 10/2 (home at 3) drama at 6:30/7:330 skip breakfast and lunch and dinner (in bin)
wednesday-college 9/2 (home at 3) skip breakfast and lunch and dinner (in bin)
thursday-college 9/3, work from 4 30/8:30 (home at 9) skip all meals
friday-college 9/12 (home 1) skip all meals, (dinner in bin)
saturday-work 7-4 or 1030/730. skip all meals (dinner in bin)
sunday-fast... :)

LOL so yeah.. thats.. fasting :) just planned out so i can understand better hah :)

oh and..

100 sit ups a day
10 mins on stepper a day
2/4 jogs a week
swimming 2 times a week
dancing one hour a week
working 13 hours a week
my work out routine 1 hour a day
:) i will be skinny. pretty. tiny :)

(no subject)

today in english we had a little "lunch date" thing. everyone either ordered pizza or this gross place in town that makes super fattening cookies.

i had celery, carrots, diet pill, water, and 100 cal soup. total: 155 cal

everyone was like "YOU EAT SOOO HEALTHY!" and i was just like "umm thanks." thinking- it's not healthy if this is all i'm eating for the day. but they don't understand anyway. someone did make an anorexic joke. i tried to not show how offended i was, but didn't want anyone to know the truth. so i just focused on my assignment.

that's all i've had today! maybe by monday i can lose a few more pounds. i set new goals for myself:

cw: 127 (uhh yeah, 3 down from monday's weigh in. but still huge.)

gw 1 (by may 3- PROM): 120

gw 2 (by may 18- GRADUATION): 110

gw 3 (by june 1): 105?

that's probably about as low as i can get. i wish i could get smaller, but i have big hips and you can't get rid of bones. too bad.

(no subject)

Worst day ever.  I am in the middle of  fast and the girl who I have been texting to help me and we fasted together decided shes done with all of it.  I'm so lonely.  I feel awful right now.  I haven't eaten in 4 days and am so lonely and feel sick.  I hate my life right now.  
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed

im happy..

i'll i've had today is a diet soda :) im fasting tomorrow and sunday as well. hope to reach my goal weight of 101 by june 4th! seems to be a good start. wish me luck :)
  • Current Mood
    happy happy

(no subject)

im FASTING. next week, when im back at school as its easier.
if i had half a can of soup at 5pmish and only tea and water, would that class as afast and how much would i loose in 5 days?
i NEED to know (:


(no subject)

sorry. i posted a week or so ago saying how sick this website was for promoting anorexia.
ive just searched pro ana in google and went to 'anas underground grotto'
THAt is sick.
'ana is a lifesttly'
tips + tricks
even 'rituals' to 'summon' some ana god or something.
i am SO sorry. this website is actually just support. ive just realised and feel so bad.
i now agree, this website isnt actually 'pro ana' more 'pro ana support'. which is good as everyone needs support.
but now i TOTALLY agree with the french banning pro ana websites, that one i went on is disgusting.
anorexia is a mental illness not a bloody lifestly :@
so, sorry for my other post.



1 coffee, :]
have to go and do my schoolwork now,
Im so gonna fail these exams
as I havn't done hardly any coursework,
but if I revise really hard then I may be able to get some decent marks on the papers
stupid exams.
got no appetite today,feel good:}
alot better than yesterday

hope everyones having a good day
  • Current Mood
Jack and Gwen

(no subject)

 realhorrorshow says: i'm running out of cheap foods : )
Mae says: I refuse to eat ramen noodles, so I'm pretty much screwed.
Mae says: I don't mind a bowl of tuna with a pickle, but too much is too much.
realhorrorshow says:
yeah, too much is a problem.
realhorrorshow says:
you've seen me, i'm a fairly skinny guy anyway
realhorrorshow says:
i've lost like, 10 pounds this year, hah

I love this boy so much, but sometimes he just says the wrong thing.
  • Current Music
    Cute Is What We Aim For :: Moan


I need help getting off the purging. I have been restricting really well (sugar free pickles/ sugar free jellow and a protein bar a day for a while now) I was so sure I kicked the binge/purge cycle, and there I went and just barfed. I went out to lunch with a friend and ate with him, probably got like NONE of it up anyway, and now I feel like crap. I think I'm getting ulcers in my throat, it stings all the time and I have sharp pains in my chest. I have to stop doing this. Plus I have a bad heart from the ana (got down to 65 pounds at one point) and I just cant keep doing this to myself. I know that I cant eat normally, I just end up purging. Has anybody here had success kicking mia? I have only been doing this for a few months, I have always been ana/ compulsive exerciser (got off laxatives about a year ago after 8 years). Any encouragement appreciated loves.

(no subject)

Since monday morning ive been eating cereal for breakfast, fruit for lunch and fruit for dinner. I weighed myself this morning after 4 whole days of doing this and i only lost 0.5 lbs???? wtf like?! Im so disappointed and upset and i dont see how i didnt lose at least 2 lbs:(
Any ideas or suggestions?


 sorry for posting so much today. i have no school and i'm surrounded by food.
i just thought that this might make you laugh - as well as being disgusted.
we have some people over whoa re revarnishing the floor and so i hav no access to a toilet for about two hours. i can't drink anythnig because i already need to pee and i binged and needed to purge so i had to do it at the back of the garden. 
sincere apologies to those who now feel queasy / ill / unwell.
love you all beautiful ladies.
  • dee105

After a bad week

 Today I only had Green Tea ....It feels good after my binge week. I can' believe I binged so many times ew I feel realy chunky....I hope I dont eat anything else today!

I am so glad its finally the weekend...school was so bad today I wish I was invisible sometimes. Does anyone else always feel like everyone is staring at them?(in a bad way) 

Anyway have a skinny weekend.... 


  • Current Mood
    tired tired

I guess good news?

We just drew numbers for the rooms in our house. I got the big room upstairs with the window. I wanted the basement but in retrospect it's probably better if I have the upstairs mood wise. Plus I can't hide away all the time and it's harder to hide and binge so I guess it's a good thing. I feel bad for two of my room mates because they got the two really small rooms upstairs. At least they're my two closer friends and we'll all be on the upper floor together. But yeah. I dunno. I guess I nice big room with a window is nice. I can't wait ot paint and decorate.

(no subject)

Hey, how are all you beautiful ppl doing today?

I'm ok but i've got a few questions for ya, 

What body shape are you?

I'm a pearshape, my waist is small & my tummy is flat but then BANG... My hips are soooo wide & my thighs are so big! =[   So i was wondering if i lose lots more weight will my body shape change?  Like will my thighs & hips go to being thin? (if you know what i mean.)

Anywayz SS & TT

Luv ya all xoxo

I regret going into treatment/recovery sooooo much...

I'm so sad and hopeless today, though nobody will know because i am hiding behind the excitable, social me.
I am longing for my low weight - i know i won't be happy until i get there, or at least within 10 pounds cause apparently it was almost deathly skinny. People say the feeling of gaining happiness by losing weight is an illusion, an empty dream, but for me it is real and it works.
Had i not gone to the hospital, had i not entered a treatment center or at least left as soon as i was medically stable i would not be in this predicament right now, where i am used to eating but cannot eat normal, only erratically, and go through periods where i can't lose weight of even gain..
The process is so painfully slow....
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed
  • ebzi

(no subject)

hello guys and girlies

random question, but does anyone have a picture of a ana girls back, like not to sound creepy but naked. like spine bones.
cus im doing an art project and i want to draw a really bony back =]

thanksyou xx


thursday i binged at a dinner party.
I was fasting today to make up for it, and when i woke up this morning i just new it was a very restrictive day and it felt great.
Fasting isn't something i do and doesn't usually work for me, and i eventually found myself picking and then had an apple. This wouldn't have been so bad except that when i am "supposed" to be fasting the guilt factor of eating is exponentially larger, do much so that the day feels like a waste and a throwaway, I feel as though I might as well just binge.
Which i did.
This is not good at all.
I am not going to try to fast again tomorrow. It is supposed to be a 500 day tomorrow and that is what i'll do.
Tomorrow is a new day
  • Current Mood
    frustrated frustrated

(no subject)

Hey Everyone,

I posted a little earlier (down below!) about how ive eaten basically nothing for the past 4 days and lost basically no weight,
I wonder if maybe i should eat some soup or something to kickstart my metabolism and skip the fruit? I just dont want to because ive had no solid food except for breakfast for the last 4 days and im not hungry! please help!!!


:'( why am i here ?!?!?!?! my mum is secretly spying on wat i do on da net she went onto my myspace and saw pix i edited of me i want fucking privacy!!!! im just going to die tonite i give up on being here for others i really  do :'( my life im living it how i want to so im ending it 
take care guys good luck be strong XxOo

love ya'll
  • Current Music

(no subject)

i want to binge so badly right now. i cleaned my room and my bathroom and have been online for the past hour. whenever i sit around waiting for people to call me to do something, i get the biggest urge to eat. i've been waiting for the call for two hours.... this is horrible.

(no subject)

I have not posted in FOREVER. 

I've been doing...okay I suppose. 

Well actually for a while I was doing excelent (vegan..mostly raw diet, tons of excercise,gave up caffine & cigs after reading  'skinny bitch' ect. =98lbs) ..by the way 'skinny bitch' is a must read!!! anyway...

but then I got pneumonia...

the excercise and the diet went completely out the window. I was half dead for three weeks, I am feeling better now but I am up to 103, started smoking again, starting consuming caffine & coffee again and instead of being on a health freak diet, I am on the beer, vodka, water and cigarette diet (my usual summer habbit) 

when I am on this 'diet' of mine I tend to throw up every night before bed and don't really eat at all.
I have been losing some weight but I know alcohol slows down your metabolism & the acid in coffee stores fat...
I don't know how to get out of this cycle!!! 

(PS just incase you didn't know::: 1 long island iced tea contains anywhere from 700 to 870 calories. Yeah... I went out to dinner with family the other night and ordered a long island iced tea so that I wouldnt eat, I assumed it probably had about 300 cals which I was okay with because it was the only thing I had consumed all day, but when I got home I decided to make sure and I almost had a heart attack!!!)

all time new low weight

So, hopefully, this will be the standard title from here on out... i would hate to think that i'd ever gain again... i'm not sure how i would handle that

after my last post last night, i got bored (and anxious) and went for a run. I circled campus three times, so I have no idea how far it was (maybe 5 or 6 miles)... but it didn't feel like that long at all...

It's interesting how that works out...

77.5lbs and counting.

I think that was all water weight though... i must have sweated it all out... i dont know any other way i'd have lost 1.5 pounds in a day...

2nd thing: only 15 cals today (sugar free jello with my vitamin).... go me!

anybody else think about this?

Americans..we eat a lot. We are the most overweight country in the world. It seems hardly any of them consider all the starving people out there from 3d world countries who would kill for even a fourth of what we consume. It really does make me feel guilty when i eat just for that reason. every time i set down for a meal and see my parents and brother stuff their faces, i sip water, pick at at salad. and every time i confront them about world problems like poverty and wanting to donate to organizations, they just tell me in the most awful, closed minded ways that charity for poverty is mostly a scam, and i could never really make a difference. if thats so, then why the hell do we have these fund raisers? really. they do make a difference. and if more people donated then maybe a lot of problems would be solved. maybe if Americans were more aware of how much they eat they would stop and think of those who can't. sorry about the rant..just something that bothers me.
  • Current Mood
    blah blah

(no subject)

i havnt been on in a few dayss
very bad few days :(
im getting back in control now though im too scared to weigh myself 
i really hope i havnt gained
its driving me insaneeee

ive been so depressed recently becuase of it all
no solid food just soup mainly and caffine lots of it
i hope everyones okayyyy
oh and if anyones had any good experiences with diet pills (In the uk) could you let me know where you get them from and what theyre called?
id really appreciate it:)

stay strong girlieess xxxxxxxx


does anyone have some word of encouragement or sumthin coz i just ate loadz!! and i feel SO sick coz ive been doing so well this week and im about to cry coz im NEVER going to reach my goal! im so annoyed my will power is 0 at the moment... :( but if i stop binging now then thats better than carrying on...anyone help?
thnx luv u all!!
  • Current Mood
    sad sad

(no subject)

i have cupcakes and i'm gonna binge if i don't do something about it....

do you think if i throw it down the toilet...it'll clog it...

haha i know stupid question but i don't wanna get it clogged and have nothing to say to my parents about it..."oops i was eating in the bathroom and it kinda fell...." stupid~


I wrote a song on Ana..
It's an actual song now, pretty nifty. ^_^

Tell me what you think.
95 lbs now!!! :]
Fasting, doing well.



The misleading comfort zone,
That consumes me everyday.
A deceitful way of life,
That'll end me some way.
A fabled storytale,
The meaning late in the post.
Constantly wary of my surroundings,
When I should fear myself the most.
I'm behind a barrier,
And it's only me that'll break.
Behind a barrier,
It's just a question of how long it'll take. x2

A thousand broken promises,
I've forgotten how I'm 'sposed to be.
The focus is clearer now,
But nothing seems to make me see.

Blissful ignorance is the key,
Into the trap of my demise.
Everyday I do the same old things,
All the risks and all the lies.
Is this the way I'm meant to be?

I'm behind a barrier,
And it's only me that'll break.
Behind a barrier,
It's just a question of how long it'll take.

I'm behind a barrier,
And it's only me that'll break.
Behind a barrier,
Could I be saved by a choice that I make?


I feel like sheer crap. I ate so freaking much today! Seriously, I feel like utter shit. The one bright side is I excecised more today than I usually do. And I'm going to do some more tonight, so hopefully it will help me out a little. I'm returning to my fast tomorrow. Sunday will be hard, because it's Easter in the Greek Orthodox church, and I'm going over to my Thea and Theo's to celebrate. My Theo Takis is making the food for everyone, and he's such a good cook, and I'm a sucker for Greek food, because I can only ever get it when I'm home =/

I want to be skinny so badly, but I just feel like this weekend is setting me up for a tremendous failure. Even if I'm really good now and don't eat all week next week, I don't think I'll make my goal weight by my anniversary. Which means my fiance will have to go out with a big fat cow on his arm, instead of a thin and beautiful fiancee who's worthy of him. 

But maybe this is all just a small glitch in the plan. What I've noticed is that I tend to stay at one weight for a whole month, no matter what I do to lose. But as soon as I get my period and my cycle stops again, I lose like 5 Lbs overnight. And I've been so good lately (except for today. I'm useless) that maybe after I get my period, I will be closer to my GW. Here's hoping, at least. 

My Drug  Education professor thinks I should be a lawyer. She thinks I have potential. I want to inform her that I feel my life is going nowhere, and everyone I know seems disinclined to disagree with me. My mom even called her batshit crazy when I told her what my prof said. Then I realized why I feel like I do. It's one thing for me to think I'm going nowhere, but I'd like it if someone else who really knew me believed I could do something with my life. Anyway...

I hope all of you lovlies are having a wonderful day. Stay strong and think thin! I'm fasting tomorrow, so send skinny vibes my way!

  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative

I forgot to post about this:

So, I'm student teaching right now (only 7 days left!), and of course I've lost a great deal of weight this semester. (about 30 lbs at this point). 

I had my last observation (by my supervisor), and while we're sitting there talking about my teaching and my abilities and things that need to improve, my sup. goes into he thinks i need to gain weight. and that it is distracting to the students if their teacher is scary skinny. 

1) I"m not scary skinny. I'm barely even thin.
2) the kids respond just fine to me as i am..
3) just tell me and get it over... your job is not to talk about my weight.. it's to talk about my teaching, and my teaching is not affected by what size pants i wear... DAMN!
(and, at school, i wear pants that are like 2 sizes to big, so like, 1's or 3's most of the time, with layers underneath. so other than my face and hands, you cant even tell my real weight)

it really pissed me off. everyone is down my throat with this crap. 

one of these days, im going to take a big bite of something, turn around, and purge right on their "healthy" bodies....just wait.

  • Current Mood
    pissed off pissed off

(no subject)

ha s anyone had a diet buddy before like as in real life (meeting them and such?)
i have no texing(my mom took it away) and no internert(which my mom took away and i could use hers only when she's gone) ...
ana icon

calories burned

just had a crazy binge and I need to burn around 800-1000 calories to get rid of it...idealy, i would have to burn 1600 calories, but I think that that would be impossible right now.

no gym, no videos. WHAT DO I DO? and for how long? also, does anyone know how many calories FAST samba burns?t


har just cooked my sister a massive pizza,
I sat next to her with a bowl of shredded lettuce and didn't even eat any of her food off her plate like I have done in the past,
just have no desire to eat really,but Im about to exercise so I need something,
hope your all okay
  • Current Mood
    bored bored

i feel like the post whore tonight...

but i just have a lot going through my head as it was a rough day today... and im at work, which means i have a computer sitting in front of me for hours on end and nothing better to do but to keep reading, responding, writing... etc...

sometimes i feel like i dont know why im in groups like this (this is not my only one by any means)... so many people have problems trying to stop themselves from eating, and I love to support people. 

but my problem is when it comes to eating, actually making the food go down.. .not like "recovery-style", but like "in order to live" style... 

i'd really like a buddy.. someone that i can talk to that's kind of in this same boat... where the eating is just so  hard... i dont know what im saying... just ranting and hoping i guess... that there's someone oout there like me...

the only time ive ever had a 'buddy' like this, was in treatment... and seeing as im not planning on going back there any time soon, i'd like someone not in treatment to talk to.


Soo i decided to eat for the past few days because everyone was getting worried and i was trying to get better...

But now i feel sooo soo ill... and i know maybe i felt tired and weak before but now i feel even worse i feel really full and bloated and i have'nt even eaten that much.

So im thinking i should just go back to not eating, it's got to be better than feeling like this:(:( my stomachs practically ballooned

Anyone else hate the feeling of been full... and how do you prevent it...??




i need to lose a bunch!

me now...


me 6 lbs lighter..

5 lbs lighter...need it!

I had pancakes forced down my throat this morning but I did use splenda so I felt a bit better.
not much though.
milk for lunch.
skipped dinner. for the 3rd day in a row!

I need this!

sorry the pics are so big. my computer is being lame.


i am going away 4 my D of E  in a canoo this weekend.. its going to be great because there aint going to be any adults with us, so i can just eat nothing for 48 hours... so i will be surviving of my diet energy drinks.  

i am 5ft 1 and i have gone back up to 110 lbs from 106 (Dough) how much weight do you think i can loose over all at the weekend??

and has any1 got any tips on how i can lose a little extra weight?

hope u r all doin well =] 




  • Current Mood

a little bit of love for you

just turned down a curry

gah so hungry but i cant do it to myself.

i either love food or hate it

i love the way it tastes in my mouth.. the textures etc.. but i HATE HATE HATE what it does.. who needs it anyway?

"surely just like plants we can learn to live on just the air around us?"

i love you all so much, so much more than you could imagine. we get through things together when nobody else understands. i thank you for that.



well ive had a shit month of bulimia - instead of ana
+ my gran getting cancer
and my brother almost dying 
so you can understand me gaining slightly HUGE
my mum called me fat today... straight up.  i almost cried.

anyway i spose the last weeks been good since my gran got better and i got my science gcse modular mark back A* (Y)
so im happy.
until my friends have a go at me for not eating... and buy me chips which they watch me eat,

AND my other friend was like ":O:O im 6 and a half stone now.. ive gained bare.." 
and she's asking me for "tips" when she knows full well ive had various ed's in the passed.

++ for about a month what do you think would be better 2468, or under 250cals a day?

(no subject)

 guys.. I REALLY want to recover and eat normally and workout everyday
but I dont think I really have the willpower..
Ive been tryig to eat normally.. purged last night... and feeling SOOO guilty right now
I feel so caught.. and I want to do 2468 starting monday despite wanting to recover
I just dont understand :(

(no subject)

I hate feeling like the fat girl...it hurts so much when two of your friends are models and have great boyfriends.... i hate what ana makes me do i hurt myself because it makes me more determined i get with guys and get a bad reputation now thers no one to love me not even myself


I'm down to 90 pounds. I'm going to go buy like 20$ worth of junk food, then binge & purge. I've spent 800's out of 1000 from my savings just on binge food and down to little. 

watching perfect body on youtube when i get back.

i'm 16 and have the house to myself tonight. do you guys like having the house to yourself and could you tell me some awesome binging foods!

so excited.

LOVE xxx

(no subject)

sorry i'm post whoring
but i need someone to help me decide which diet pills to buy tomorrow.
will i totally be wasting money if i spend £40 on hoodia??

and now my mums shouting in the background how she wishes she had a different daughter and can't believe how she ended up with such a shit child.
yeh thanx mum.


i just bingeed on my third day of tthe abc, 
i binged on pizza, ice cream, cinnamon rolls, fruit, and rice!!!! 
please persuade me and tell me i could fast tomorrow like it says to
on the ana boot camp sitte and get back on track sunday or monday. 
do you think i should fast for the whole weekend??
please i need support right now. 


Anyone else...?

I just got these pills called VitAdvance Flat Stomach. They are supposed to get rid of bloating and create a flatter stomach.
I'm a little skeptic though so I was wondering...

has anyone else tried these?



  • Current Mood
    anxious anxious


posted about this last night and got some helpful comments but thought i'd give it a go again tonight to see if anyone else has any helpful advice/experiences to share.

sooo yeah I'm being put into a small inpatient hospital sometime in the next week. I'm fairly nervous about this and am wondering what types of things they do there.

anyone who's been in IP have any advice/stories/etc to share?
ballet girl!!

Sydney by myself!!!

so ive been in sydney 4 a week by myself and it has been great
ive had only and apple every day and then a very small dinner at night
its been great coz im on my own so i can get away with it!!!
but i feel like i have put on heaps of weight!!!

I DONT GET IT...i feel like ive put on heaps of weight around me tummy !!

is this norm or is it just in my head?
  • Current Mood
    confused confused


Okay so here's what's up;
today was my 3rd day of the abc diet and i screwed myelf over. 
on pizza, ice cream, rice, fruit, cinnamon rolls, plus the 300 cals i had for the abc. 
i just purged andi feel a lot better but im mad that i didnt purge more....
i feel heavy. 
i hate my body. 
and i dont want it. 
sometimes i just want to fly out of it.
where did my willpower go. 
i did so good yesterday. 
should i fast for one or two days? 




 i seroudly want to die i just binged so much on everything that is in my house i kept eating and eating because this girl at school was talking 

about me and how i dont eat anything at school and go home and binge and pretent to be ana just to get attention i went into the bathroom and 
cryed then i came out and felt horriable.  When i came home my mom took me out to dinner then i came home had some peanuts and was 

like who cares what she says im fat anyways and bingeeeed idk even what all i ate then i went through my whole house and threw everything 

that is bad away.  i suck.  what should i do
  • Current Mood
    crappy crappy


i was doing so so so well. then around 730 (its 10 now) i ate some left over quieso dip (i think i spelled it wronge) and the chips that go with it. then i was mad and ate ice cream. it was soy so it could have been worse but kjv nbjdafnbkajnb

so i probably had around 1000 cals today. and didnt excersize. tomorrow im going to fast and try to fast sunday. im sick of my weight!!!!


First Off: I don't know how to white out foods
so if mentioning food offends you,
don't read.

The ONE thing I hate about smoking pot
is that when I do,
I suddenly feel like it's completely reasonable
to eat:
-6 soy ice cream sandwiches
-3 pieces of cheeseless pizza with garlic sauce
-10 rice cakes
-rice with mushrooms and soy sauce.

ugh. and I don't even feel full.
screw weed.
it wants me to be fat and ugly.

(no subject)


im so frustrated, i miss being able to eat nothing at all for days on end and feel great. i hate food. you're all making me so jealous, i miss being able to get away with having nothing :(

(no subject)

 has anyone tried the ABC diet and if you have how much did you lose. I just want to see if it is really affective and if i should try it or if it is a waste of time. if you have any other suggestions they would be much appreciated.

love you all 
thank you sooo much
  • 369_xx

(no subject)

Does anyone here accept that they may die?

That they may one day just collapse. And never wake up? 

Do you accept that this is happening to you? 

Or does everyone wish that someone will save them? 

Save them in time. Save them before it is too late? 

  • Current Music
    turbo jam DVD


i havent gone to the gym in almost two weeks because ive been on antibiotics with a sinus infection and terrible cold and i FEEL TERRIBLEEEEEEE i gained like 3-4 pounds and does anyone else feel like they gain weight so easily?  why do i have to torture myself for the rest of my life to lose weight , keep it off, then worry about every fkin thing i put in my mouth! i hate food and i hate what its done to me. It's all I i ever think about and i feel worthless when and after I eat.  so its not even worth eating at all.  I just need to motivate myself and get inspiration from all of you again to start new tomorrow.  Tommorow is another day and FUCk the past 2 weeks because they are gone and done with and I cant turn back time.  does anyone have any advice? ah im so lonely


I get so ANGRY when I can't follow a goddamn exercise workout video..............so i punched the fuck outta my leg. I'm pissed cuz I didn't mean to bruise my leg.......ugh. I need to really get motivated. Maybe I'll just put some dance tunes on and dance crazy or something. I need to exercise like I mean it.

Have a good night lovelies
  • Current Mood
    irritated irritated

(no subject)

Tonight i hung out with my boyfriend for the first time in a week and at the beginning of the night i must admit that i looked semi-okay, i was starting the fourth day of my fast and i feel fresh on fasts. I even suggested that we skip dinner out and just be together at my house and thats when he knew i was fasting again. He was with me through my last round of treatment (i sound like i have cancer) and he knows how i start to act when i start back into fasting, purging, etc. He kind of gets it too, which is the weirdest part but in a good way, but tonight he wasn't as understanding and started going back through everything we worked through when i was "recovering". Its not like he was crying but i know it was hurting him to know that i haven't really recovered, and most of all that i don't plan to soon. He gives me inspiration not to purge, because i feel like he thinks its disgusting but doesn't say it because he knows my complete compulsion, so thats at least ok. I definitely prefer to fast but i feel like i depend on purging if i ever have to break my fast or i completely mess up.

Which brings me to my next little ramble. I broke my fast with him, i wanted him to think i was more restricting than fasting, which he still has a problem with but not as much. I had dry lettuce. And this makes me angry because i was supposed to be fasting until sunday, since i broke my fast earlier this week (with dry salad again) due to family issues. Tomorrow i am going to get up, go to work until 1:00, skip lunch with co-workers (total death trap when it comes to food), then go to starbucks or borders to finish a paper for school and flush out everything with like 8 bottles of water. I am a planner and this is my plan.

(no subject)

                                                                                                                             5'8" - 106lbs


One of mary-kates diets!

Was water and popcicles because the popcicles are so cold they pratically burn of the calories by burning with the metabolism. anywho...she did that for a long time (towards the end of recovery) according to my ed councelor....
and she told me how gross mk... i was like noooooooooooooo way! ---she's gorge.   (mentally) LOL

so i didn't drink

so before i went out tonight i had about 3 mixed drinks but then when we went out to the bar .... 2 for 1 might i add.. i had NOTHING.... i had diet cokes all night which didnt cost me ANYTHING.. yet all iw ant to do is cry... IDK why. my roomate kept asking me if i was alright. CUZ I WAS SOBER.. i mean i did drink.. thats a good thing.. but i feel so guilty and helpless... idk what to do... i feel like smashing my leg against a pole or something.. im so lost for words.. WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY...

  • Current Mood
    angry angry